Adulthood is upon me, like it or not. Actually, I think that I do, though. Graduation was June 9th and June 20th I left for LA to visit John and see Benny, who I never planned on seeing again. The trip when far better than I'd hoped and I've decided definitely to move there. It's a strange and exciting feeling. It's like I'm moving on with my life finally. I got trapped here in Ohio for college and though I don't regret my time in Athens at all I do regret somewhat not taking that opportunity to go away. Regardless, my life seems utterly perfect. I couldn't ask for more than the way things are. I have amazing friends and family and the opportunities available to me seem almost endless. It's so strange to be at a place in my life where I am fully in charge and can make any choice I want for myself. Sometimes I just wait for someone to tell me what to do before realizing that it's all me.
Spending time with Benny was awesome awesome awesome. I'm totally crazy about him but it's kind of irrelevant because he has a girlfriend... and a chic on the side. I am so stoked to move out to California and be able to spend more time with him but I definitely don't need that sort of drama from the get-go. We did in fact have a blast together and all without having sex! Who knew that was possible?! I think we're on a great track to an awesome friendship and though I would welcome more than that with him I don't think it'd be good for me because seeing him cheat on his current girlfriend makes it really tough to trust him. I haven't had these feelings for a long time, though, and it does make me a little nervous to feel so vulnerable.
My mom and I went shopping today and had a lot of great conversation. I adore our relationship and I am so lucky to have it. I'm not sure I know anyone else who can talk to their mother about absolutely anything from sex to drugs to religion and politics without her freaking out. I'm so glad I have that.
I think that a part of her wants something to come out of my friendship with Benny maybe just because she knows that I really care about him and she wants to see me happy. It's weird, though. I care about him a ton, that's true, and I would love to call myself his girl but at the same time I don't know if I could ever be in a position to trust him enough for that even if it was what he wanted. I've finally come to a place in my life where I truly love and respect myself, flaws and all and I refuse to settle for less than what I know I deserve from men. It's not arrogance, it's simply confidence. I don't deserve to be used or hurt in any way because that's not how I treat people and you deserve to get what you give out. I know that eventually I will meet someone who turns everything around for me.
I used to be cynical because I was hurt so many times in the past but I'm not anymore. Living with Megan and talking often about what it's like to be single in a country where that's so taboo almost made me realize so many things. There were nights when Megan and I would admit that having been single most of our lives we couldn't help asking ourselves, what's wrong with me? The truth is, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm a normal girl and there is a man out there for me. Maybe not just one man. If not for the many men I've cared about over the years I would've missed out on learning and growing in so many ways. I can sit and name a million ways I was effected by John, Caleb, Jason, Howie, Doug, Adam, Dave, Alex, Billy, Casey, Zach, and Benny... there are probably even more in there someplace. But to think that at the time I was with all of those guys I couldn't imagine caring so much for anyone else and yet I was able to. I remember when Billy went away to college and I was so heartbroken and mom was taking me to get my senior pictures and she said, "I know it doesn't seem like it now but Billy is just a speck and eventually he won't mean anything. You will probably have a hundred boyfriends before you ever get married". I remember saying that I didn't want a hundred boyfriends, or to keep having to have my heart broken, but each time I've loved someone and let them go I've grown stronger, more independent, smarter, and more adult. Heartbreak is just a part of life. I accept that now.
I don't know where things will go with Benny. Maybe we will just rest as great friends and for that I cannot complain. He makes me laugh, he makes me giddy, I love his life, and when he touches me or kisses me I get tingly. I still get butterflies whenever he texts or calls or I'm about to see him. But, if we dated maybe that would all end another way and all that would go away. Maybe to be as we are now is the best way for us to be. Eventually once I've moved out to California I will begin dating and I will find someone who doesn't want me as a third girlfriend but as their only one. Until then I refuse to settle for second string or for a fuck buddy status.
I feel happier and stronger and more vibrant than ever in my life. I can't wait to get back under the California sun and be able to call it home for a little while. I think that moving there is going to effect my life in a million ways and I can't wait to see who I turn into next. Life rocks my socks!
No comments:
Post a Comment