Why is it that time and time again myself and I think other women as well, chase after the sort of men who have a certain ability to do things that make us feel like we've just been punched in the gut. An ability to make us wake up after a good dream and cry because there is immediately that truth of the emptiness they've left you with. They are the type that never give themselves fully to one person and maybe you shouldn't take it personally that you are no exception, yet it's hard not to. The type that fifty women are certain they have this very special and unique relationship with, never guessing that there are 49 others feeling the same way about your guy.
Where is the fantasy anymore? We grow up on all these make believe ideas about what love is supposed to be like but I'm not sure if that even exists. Sure, I've seen it, I mean, it's out there. But, is there really a love packaged neatly and available in bulk to the whole world? Or is that only reserved for a very few lucky couples who may really be pulled together by the stars? I'm beginning to believe that it may not be in the cards for me.
No, I'm not a washed-up old lady coming out of a divorce with a bunch of kids or something. In fact, I'm young and cute and confident about it. I'm not even really that cynical. It's just, don't we eventually tire of that winded sensation? You share all these amazing moments with all these different men who may or may not be amazing themselves only to find that they're not for you or just... not for anyone. How long can I wake up feeling that empty feeling without just accepting it and not trying to make it go away?
I don't know what it is about me but there are two things that inevitably happen in my life. The first is that random people always tell me their life stories. I have no idea why. Maybe I have a friendly face or something. I guess I should've tried to be a therapist. Secondly, I always get hurt in relationships. I really don't think about it too much. I've become pretty resilient actually. I mean, I'm not talking about your everyday run-of-the mill boyfriend/girlfriend relationships either. It seems that I am simply unable to even have those at all. My brother loves reminding me of that. The brother who's had a million serious relationships and is ALWAYS in relationship crisis mode. I'm talking relationships that never even become real relationships. Maybe I'm naive I don't know.
I know there's nothing wrong with me, I do, but sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach when time and time again something interferes with my ability to find love or even happiness for a little while. If ever I do manage to find happiness for a brief instant it is almost always clouded over by some distant thing that will ruin it all (i.e. moving away) or is in the end not at all what I thought it was because I find out that none of it was based on reality or truth.
I'm not asking much really. I'm an honest girl er... woman. I would never cheat on a man or lie about anything. I just don't know why there's never been a person who can't get me out of their head. I've had so many of those people in my life and even if they seemed to really care about me for a quick minute in the end I was not worth it. In the end there was always someone else who was. Why is it never me? I mean, let's be honest, no matter how you wrap that up it gets you wondering and brings up at least a little self-doubt.
I'm a very strong and independent woman. I believe that eventually there will be a man who finds me worth whatever it takes. I do fear, however, the walls I will have built up by then. What if by the time Prince Charming actually stops being a fucking toad I'm way too jaded to even try kissing his toad lips? I mean, how long can you keep putting yourself in the line of fire before realizing that it's not worth the risk? Each time it happens it's as though I have to relive every time it has and it's so painful. Even those memories from so long ago.
I know there's a love out there for me. Maybe I'm looking in all the wrong directions. I usually am not even looking for it at all. I just hope that when it comes for me I'm not hiding under some rock where I cannot be found. I hope that it's all that it's cracked up to be and maybe even more. I know I deserve the real deal. The kind that doesn't involve lying and cheating and waking up feeling empty. I deserve pure unadulterated love, no question about that. I just don't understand why there has to be so many bad toads first.
Maybe it's our generation. I feel like it's never been this hard for women before. I mean, back in the day love was simple. Everyone was married when they were like 19 and stayed that way. I guess that when women started wanting more is when things got tougher. I can't complain about trading in the life of Suzy Homemaker to maybe struggle a little harder to have a genuine love. A love that isn't based on who can get Ted's whites the whitest and have his baked chicken on the table when he gets home from work. I'll accept the fight my generation must face for being more in charge and able to really search out the man that gives us the whole package. There was just never so much freedom before. Who knew that could complicate things so much?
When it boils down to it there really isn't much chance for there being such a concept as soul mates. There are plenty of people who would be suitable for any one of us. I mean, I should freaking hope so in this hugely populated earth! If not, we're all in real trouble. I know there are certainly some people that get lucky enough to maybe find a person who fits them like a glove but I think all-in-all we spend too much time looking for something better and sometimes miss out on what's already there. Who knows, I mean, if I could make sense of relationships between men and women I would be a millionaire. Sometimes you just start to feel defeated in the race. How am I supposed to feel comforted by a person in the future who I haven't even met yet? And, when I do meet him how am I supposed to abandon all the doubt and resistance that's built up in me from all the times that it felt right but wasn't before him?
It's just so tiring and yet we put ourselves through it over and over. It's like childbirth. Apparently at some point we forget what that pain can be like. I just hope that also like childbirth there is something that makes it all worthwhile in the end.
1 comment:
Hi Elsie, here I am to check you out. I can't believe it but I have used that very same image for one of my posts. Way early on, when I described spilling soy milk into my laptop and ruining the speakers and not having taken the extended warranty. This image fit me perfectly.
I remember my daughter at 21 when she graduated from university in French Honours. She knew she would go to graduate school but refused to go away because she said she wasn't ready to leave home yet. She did finally, after her MA and went of to Stanford to do a PhD.
I think this is a very good post, but it sounds to me as if you are looking for the feeling not the person. That's totally understandable, to be in love is the best feeling in the world. But my advice is get on with your life as if you will always be single. Make your plans so that you are totally responsible for yourself. When that special someone comes along you will know and you will work everything out. It needn't be tomorrow, or even next year. In the meantime, have fun.
I got married to my husband when I was 25, after knowing him for six months. My daughter got married at 29 (although she knew her husband for 6 years before that).
Remember you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.
I'll be back to read the earlier posts later. I see you did put me on the sidebar, using the dashboard I guess. I do like blogrolling better. It is such a user friendly way to keep the blogroll up to date.
I see you have a pseudonym so I used that.
Good luck with your blogging. If you want to get readers, hop out there and comment on blogs that you like.
regards
jmb (Nobody important)
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