And we're back

I don't know why I haven't written in so long. I guess looking back on last quarter it was because I was practically committing suicide to get things completed. No additional time for blogging. Now, here I am, spring quarter, where all that work is supposed to have paid off because I have basically zip to do. As it turns out I'm bored out of my skull and have serious cabin fever from staying home for three days.

All that time is way too much to spend thinking about things that make me miserable. Like the fact that in two months I'm leaving Athens for good- the place I've called home for four years. Not to mention that I have no idea what I'm delving into next. There's a very good possibility that it'll be going to China to teach English which means that in four months I'm going to be once again in a state of complete and utter terror because I'm going someplace where I know absolutely no one and, worse than any of my past experiences, also know nothing of the language and very little about the country.

I am not whining really. I love my life and I wouldn't trade it for anyone else's. I choose to travel and put myself in situations like that and after the adjustment phase is complete I'm always glad I made that decision. The problem with being a born wanderer is that no matter where you are, you're always longing to be someplace else. I feel like I'm never fully content. In everything I do there is this tiny level of dissatisfaction with it. If I'm too busy I'm miserable and yet now I have so much free time and I feel like I might go mad. If I'm in Athens I wish I was in Cincinnati but if I'm in Cincinnati too long I wish I was back here. I miss Senegal so much it actually physically hurts to think about it too much but when I was there I couldn't help feeling a little homesick and ready to get back here.

Does anyone have satisfaction in life? Is it only that I have no constants that I feel choked by it? There is so much pressure to do this or that or be this person or that person and I feel drowned by it all. I'm about to graduate and the time for proving myself in the real world is soon to arrive. Maybe I'm not ready for it. I don't know how often I go home and curl up in the bed upstairs at my mom's house just watching television and my mom brings me a cup of coffee or breakfast or something and the cat jumps onto my lap and then my heart breaks because in a matter of hours I'll be getting in my car to come back here. I just wish I could stay in that bed and shut out adulthood for a few more years. I'm not ready to accept the responsibility that comes with all these truths I've learned over the years. I'm not ready to accept the truths themselves. It's all so heavy and I feel bogged down.

I wish that finding the answers was easier. I wish that I knew that someday I wouldn't be doing all this alone. I know that I'm strengthened by being single and even if there was a guy in the picture right now I don't think I need a relationship but sometimes you just wish there was another person there to talk to at night and help you wrap your head around things. Growing up really stinks. I don't think I will ever get used to it.