Many Mes

Wow, when I look back just a little bit over a month ago and think about what my life was like it's kind of disconcerting. I mean, I went from going out like almost every night of the week to barely even going out... ever. I go to sleep early, hang out with my parents and grandparents (as shown above), and I really don't even miss Athens. How can I do that? Sometimes I expect to feel sad about things- big changes like moving, graduating, leaving good friends... but lately it just seems I don't. Sometimes it kind of frightens me to feel so hardened. To want a new life so badly.

I had lunch with Steph the other day. She's one of my favorite people and I can't get enough of the way we can go forever without talking and pick right back up where we left off whenever we finally get in touch again. Yet, we started talking about the past and I realized how weird it is to think about sometimes. I don't really ever do it anymore, just stop and look back. I'm kind of glad. I have really nothing to complain about regarding the way my life has panned out but sometimes looking back on anything can be saddening. Mostly anymore though, it's just strange for me.

I feel like over the years I have been so many different people. I don't feel like a single individual who grew up and changed, I feel like a lot of people in one body. When I look back on some of my experiences and times in my life I just can't even believe that it was me. It's literally shocking sometimes.

When I first got to Senegal I experienced some of the hardest days of my entire life. I was terrified, alone, confused, and a minority for the first time. I honestly had serious doubts about being able to hack it four months. Yet, I did. I survived finding out that my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer while being 4,000 miles away. I survived rarely ever communicating in my own language, showering with 2 inch long cockroaches by candlelight and sometimes out of a bucket. I survived living with a family that wasn't my own and who lived incredibly differently from anything I had ever known. I made it through Dr. Evil and terrible queasiness and managed to clean wounds, give injections, observe gyno exams and child births, and managed to keep a smile when I sometimes felt rather foreign or awkward. I survived public transportation and crossing roads I thought certain would be the end of me. I managed to take care of myself when I had to leave my home in the middle of the night. And once I even scraped through a close encounter with a stampeding herd of sheep that seemed determined to mow over me.

I guess it's impossible to come out of that the same person. When I got home I really had no idea what to do with everything in my head. I still don't know. For months any pictures of Senegal or memories of my time there broke my heart and brought tears immediately to my eyes. I felt almost nauseous with longing to still be there inundated by the incredible people and their lives. That went on and I wasn't sure it would ever end. All the MSIDers would talk online, on the phone, and in person all the time about how strong that feeling was within all of us to just get back there. Then one day, it seems so suddenly, it just stopped. The whole experience sort of drifted into this new category of personal history. All the sudden it was as though I had never been there at all.

Sure, I always sort of felt that way. Even while I was there that feeling was somewhat present. Every morning I had to wake up and remind myself where I was. Every morning. Now, though, I don't even know what to make of it. I was obviously a totally other me. I was contemplating marriage for God's sake! Now I can't even imagine what Alex feels like. What was it like when I was with him? What did his skin feel like to me? It's like I have no recollection- they aren't my memories. It's frightening really. Scary to think that a feeling that had once had the power to fill me up so completely vanished into nothingness.

All the good intentions before I left to call all my friends, write, send pictures and presents, they faded. I feel like a phony. Yass and Bo, they were like my brothers there. I had a blast with them and they let me live in their home, sleep in their bed, eat their food, and carried the bucket to the shower for me every night without fail. They are incredible guys and when I start to remember the time I spent with them I do feel deeply sad but most of the time those thoughts are absent. It's as if the memories got boxed up inside me and I only find them when I'm reorganizing.

Now, here I am, in that place again. My friends from college are spread about and Athens is like a Norman Rockwell painting in my head and nothing more. It has the last and best four years of my history and yet I can drum up no emotion at the thought of it.


In a week and a half I'm moving to Los Angeles and even that future doesn't seem real. Lately the present is all that exists for me. I'm leaving my family, friends indefinitely and yet... all I can think about is going going going! There's no fear or restraint. No thinking of my grandparents and their illnesses or my father and his loneliness, or one of my best friend's pregnancy. I don't know who I am. Where is the fear, where is the heart?

I spent four years becoming intensely passionate about human rights and equality and Africa and now I'm moving to a city where people spend hundreds of dollars on dog collars. I might end up being a waitress- a job I just spent the last two years eager to escape from. I might wind up doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with what I care about. I think I even turned down a job in Connecticut actually doing what I want so badly to be doing. I don't know if I'm making any of the right decisions and I really don't even know what my motivations are. I'm scared I might be messing up everything by being impulsive. I'm scared period.

It's so strange to feel you're in a place where your dreams are finally going to either come true or they aren't. I'm so grateful that so many of mine already have been realized but all of the things I did before now were to get me to a specific place. I know I've always had a lot of doubts about the field I chose but when it came down to it I knew it's what I love. It's what I not just love even- it's where my passion lies. And passion is greatly capable. I just want to know that I will find my way- that I will find myself in all of this. That I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life.... I don't want reality to be such a gamble. I just want certainty and security.

I wish sometimes that I hadn't been so spoiled all my life. I don't know what I would've been able to accomplish if not for my family. Alison did it all on her own and that's amazing. There's a certain grace and pride in that. In some ways I don't really know what I myself am capable of. Maybe that's why I am so eager to break away and test the waters of my own strength. I did that in Africa, but this will be in an entirely new way. This will be the test of adulthood and character. I guess sometimes we have to disconnect to reconnect with ourselves. Maybe a part of myself has long been pulled toward California and now I have to stop resisting that pull and just... float on.

Exciting Ohio

Well, another day inches along at the rents' place. Time is flying while at the same time seeming to stand still. I didn't expect to be keeping as busy as I have been since graduating and leaving Athens but I'm definitely ready for a change. Moving back in with my parents has been surprisingly relaxing but also a frustration. Everyday things are alright I suppose; you can't beat the endless coffee, 3 squares a day, and lack of utility bills, and living someplace that isn't most likely to collapse within the decade is certainly a perk. It's just the transition from living on my own/surrounded by only people my own age for four years to living with my mom breathing down my neck at every turn and volunteering me for all sorts of family activities that sometimes makes me want to scream.

In the past six months I have officially made plans to move to Senegal, China, anywhere Peace Corps, Connecticut, Los Angeles, and now possibly New York. I am a mess. The level of freedom after college is somewhat daunting. To actually be capable of choosing anyplace in the world to start a new life is a strange sensation. Getting out of college is not at all like I expected, though. Or maybe it's just not what I'd hoped for. Every job, even administrative, wants you to have 5 years experience in the field but how is anyone supposed to get that experience if no one will hire a new graduate? I've gotten so used to rejection in the past 2 months it's not funny. I'm sick to death of revising my cover letter and sending out my resume, of interviewing over the phone and anyplace else. Hell, I had a four hour second round interview in Los Angeles and didn't get an offer. How discouraging! I just want a job before I get trapped in Ohio like so many people do. Right now I'm pretty broke but at least my loans are still deferred. I did so many things in college I just don't know what more I could possibly do to be a better candidate for the positions I want.

After my trip to LA I had decided, for certain, that I was just going to get in my car and drive across the country, move in with my brother and hope for a job. I was disappointed not to have found a decent one while I was out there but it was a relief to really decide on a place. Then, out of the blue I get this e-mail from the human rights organization WITNESS asking me if I want to interview for their administrative/outreach position. It couldn't be a more perfect job but it's located in New York. Now all I can do is sit waiting to hear from them to decide between living in two very different and distant locations. A part of me is sad because I so desperately want to go to Los Angeles where it's sunny and people are laid-back but the rest of me intensely wants this job.

I don't know what it is about myself and Ohio but the place just isn't for me. I mean, I love it here and when I get away for awhile I always appreciate coming back. I'm just burned-out on the small town thing. I need commotion and... well, stuff to do! I think I just have this distinct fear of becoming like George Bailey. I've been so lucky to do all the traveling I've done but I fear winding up stuck here because of this or that. I know that in the end George realized that staying put gave him the "wonderful" life but I always felt sad for him. I couldn't help wondering what his life would have been like if he had gotten to use the engraved suitcase and had been able to fulfill all the dreams he had from his subscription to National Geographic. I just think that life might've had more to offer him than Bedford Falls and the rest of the world has more for me than Ohio.

But man, what a conundrum...

The secret lives of women

Why is it that time and time again myself and I think other women as well, chase after the sort of men who have a certain ability to do things that make us feel like we've just been punched in the gut. An ability to make us wake up after a good dream and cry because there is immediately that truth of the emptiness they've left you with. They are the type that never give themselves fully to one person and maybe you shouldn't take it personally that you are no exception, yet it's hard not to. The type that fifty women are certain they have this very special and unique relationship with, never guessing that there are 49 others feeling the same way about your guy.

Where is the fantasy anymore? We grow up on all these make believe ideas about what love is supposed to be like but I'm not sure if that even exists. Sure, I've seen it, I mean, it's out there. But, is there really a love packaged neatly and available in bulk to the whole world? Or is that only reserved for a very few lucky couples who may really be pulled together by the stars? I'm beginning to believe that it may not be in the cards for me.

No, I'm not a washed-up old lady coming out of a divorce with a bunch of kids or something. In fact, I'm young and cute and confident about it. I'm not even really that cynical. It's just, don't we eventually tire of that winded sensation? You share all these amazing moments with all these different men who may or may not be amazing themselves only to find that they're not for you or just... not for anyone. How long can I wake up feeling that empty feeling without just accepting it and not trying to make it go away?

I don't know what it is about me but there are two things that inevitably happen in my life. The first is that random people always tell me their life stories. I have no idea why. Maybe I have a friendly face or something. I guess I should've tried to be a therapist. Secondly, I always get hurt in relationships. I really don't think about it too much. I've become pretty resilient actually. I mean, I'm not talking about your everyday run-of-the mill boyfriend/girlfriend relationships either. It seems that I am simply unable to even have those at all. My brother loves reminding me of that. The brother who's had a million serious relationships and is ALWAYS in relationship crisis mode. I'm talking relationships that never even become real relationships. Maybe I'm naive I don't know.

I know there's nothing wrong with me, I do, but sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach when time and time again something interferes with my ability to find love or even happiness for a little while. If ever I do manage to find happiness for a brief instant it is almost always clouded over by some distant thing that will ruin it all (i.e. moving away) or is in the end not at all what I thought it was because I find out that none of it was based on reality or truth.

I'm not asking much really. I'm an honest girl er... woman. I would never cheat on a man or lie about anything. I just don't know why there's never been a person who can't get me out of their head. I've had so many of those people in my life and even if they seemed to really care about me for a quick minute in the end I was not worth it. In the end there was always someone else who was. Why is it never me? I mean, let's be honest, no matter how you wrap that up it gets you wondering and brings up at least a little self-doubt.

I'm a very strong and independent woman. I believe that eventually there will be a man who finds me worth whatever it takes. I do fear, however, the walls I will have built up by then. What if by the time Prince Charming actually stops being a fucking toad I'm way too jaded to even try kissing his toad lips? I mean, how long can you keep putting yourself in the line of fire before realizing that it's not worth the risk? Each time it happens it's as though I have to relive every time it has and it's so painful. Even those memories from so long ago.

I know there's a love out there for me. Maybe I'm looking in all the wrong directions. I usually am not even looking for it at all. I just hope that when it comes for me I'm not hiding under some rock where I cannot be found. I hope that it's all that it's cracked up to be and maybe even more. I know I deserve the real deal. The kind that doesn't involve lying and cheating and waking up feeling empty. I deserve pure unadulterated love, no question about that. I just don't understand why there has to be so many bad toads first.

Maybe it's our generation. I feel like it's never been this hard for women before. I mean, back in the day love was simple. Everyone was married when they were like 19 and stayed that way. I guess that when women started wanting more is when things got tougher. I can't complain about trading in the life of Suzy Homemaker to maybe struggle a little harder to have a genuine love. A love that isn't based on who can get Ted's whites the whitest and have his baked chicken on the table when he gets home from work. I'll accept the fight my generation must face for being more in charge and able to really search out the man that gives us the whole package. There was just never so much freedom before. Who knew that could complicate things so much?

When it boils down to it there really isn't much chance for there being such a concept as soul mates. There are plenty of people who would be suitable for any one of us. I mean, I should freaking hope so in this hugely populated earth! If not, we're all in real trouble. I know there are certainly some people that get lucky enough to maybe find a person who fits them like a glove but I think all-in-all we spend too much time looking for something better and sometimes miss out on what's already there. Who knows, I mean, if I could make sense of relationships between men and women I would be a millionaire. Sometimes you just start to feel defeated in the race. How am I supposed to feel comforted by a person in the future who I haven't even met yet? And, when I do meet him how am I supposed to abandon all the doubt and resistance that's built up in me from all the times that it felt right but wasn't before him?

It's just so tiring and yet we put ourselves through it over and over. It's like childbirth. Apparently at some point we forget what that pain can be like. I just hope that also like childbirth there is something that makes it all worthwhile in the end.

LAts of new stuff to think about...

Adulthood is upon me, like it or not. Actually, I think that I do, though. Graduation was June 9th and June 20th I left for LA to visit John and see Benny, who I never planned on seeing again. The trip when far better than I'd hoped and I've decided definitely to move there. It's a strange and exciting feeling. It's like I'm moving on with my life finally. I got trapped here in Ohio for college and though I don't regret my time in Athens at all I do regret somewhat not taking that opportunity to go away. Regardless, my life seems utterly perfect. I couldn't ask for more than the way things are. I have amazing friends and family and the opportunities available to me seem almost endless. It's so strange to be at a place in my life where I am fully in charge and can make any choice I want for myself. Sometimes I just wait for someone to tell me what to do before realizing that it's all me.
Spending time with Benny was awesome awesome awesome. I'm totally crazy about him but it's kind of irrelevant because he has a girlfriend... and a chic on the side. I am so stoked to move out to California and be able to spend more time with him but I definitely don't need that sort of drama from the get-go. We did in fact have a blast together and all without having sex! Who knew that was possible?! I think we're on a great track to an awesome friendship and though I would welcome more than that with him I don't think it'd be good for me because seeing him cheat on his current girlfriend makes it really tough to trust him. I haven't had these feelings for a long time, though, and it does make me a little nervous to feel so vulnerable.
My mom and I went shopping today and had a lot of great conversation. I adore our relationship and I am so lucky to have it. I'm not sure I know anyone else who can talk to their mother about absolutely anything from sex to drugs to religion and politics without her freaking out. I'm so glad I have that.
I think that a part of her wants something to come out of my friendship with Benny maybe just because she knows that I really care about him and she wants to see me happy. It's weird, though. I care about him a ton, that's true, and I would love to call myself his girl but at the same time I don't know if I could ever be in a position to trust him enough for that even if it was what he wanted. I've finally come to a place in my life where I truly love and respect myself, flaws and all and I refuse to settle for less than what I know I deserve from men. It's not arrogance, it's simply confidence. I don't deserve to be used or hurt in any way because that's not how I treat people and you deserve to get what you give out. I know that eventually I will meet someone who turns everything around for me.
I used to be cynical because I was hurt so many times in the past but I'm not anymore. Living with Megan and talking often about what it's like to be single in a country where that's so taboo almost made me realize so many things. There were nights when Megan and I would admit that having been single most of our lives we couldn't help asking ourselves, what's wrong with me? The truth is, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm a normal girl and there is a man out there for me. Maybe not just one man. If not for the many men I've cared about over the years I would've missed out on learning and growing in so many ways. I can sit and name a million ways I was effected by John, Caleb, Jason, Howie, Doug, Adam, Dave, Alex, Billy, Casey, Zach, and Benny... there are probably even more in there someplace. But to think that at the time I was with all of those guys I couldn't imagine caring so much for anyone else and yet I was able to. I remember when Billy went away to college and I was so heartbroken and mom was taking me to get my senior pictures and she said, "I know it doesn't seem like it now but Billy is just a speck and eventually he won't mean anything. You will probably have a hundred boyfriends before you ever get married". I remember saying that I didn't want a hundred boyfriends, or to keep having to have my heart broken, but each time I've loved someone and let them go I've grown stronger, more independent, smarter, and more adult. Heartbreak is just a part of life. I accept that now.
I don't know where things will go with Benny. Maybe we will just rest as great friends and for that I cannot complain. He makes me laugh, he makes me giddy, I love his life, and when he touches me or kisses me I get tingly. I still get butterflies whenever he texts or calls or I'm about to see him. But, if we dated maybe that would all end another way and all that would go away. Maybe to be as we are now is the best way for us to be. Eventually once I've moved out to California I will begin dating and I will find someone who doesn't want me as a third girlfriend but as their only one. Until then I refuse to settle for second string or for a fuck buddy status.
I feel happier and stronger and more vibrant than ever in my life. I can't wait to get back under the California sun and be able to call it home for a little while. I think that moving there is going to effect my life in a million ways and I can't wait to see who I turn into next. Life rocks my socks!