After five days of fasting I have had a lot of time to think about things in my life besides food, coffee, drinking, and socializing. It's been enlightening to see what an enormous role food plays in our lives. I have had a really tough time of it and I don't actually think it has to do with the lack of eating but with realizing that I used to eat to fill a void that I'm now just realizing exists. They say that being overweight is a symptom of a deeper problem and I now understand that. My problem is nothing tragic, it's simpleminded. I am ashamed that in my life, where I've gotten nearly everything I've ever wanted, that I can find things to feel miserable about. Yet, I feel it.
I feel a bitter loneliness. It's something I cannot repair it seems. I have so many friends, though many of them are very far away now. I have an incredibly loving family. I share my apartment with two other people, one of which is my brother but I feel so alone. I feel misunderstood by everyone and I don't feel any personal connections that I can rely on in California. I really do love it here completely but I'm sill not sure I didn't make a mistake. I left everyone I love.
I hate writing like this. There's no content. It's just bullshit whining. I just feel like ever since I came back home from Africa I have been a complete maniac. I can't make sense of any part of my life. I like my job but I don't love my job. I like my city but I am not overwhelmingly happy here because I cannot find people to enjoy it with. What fun is seeing and doing amazing things alone?
Anyways, ugh! I just feel like I'm in a rut. I'm just waiting. Waiting to put in my time at my job before I can move onto doing what I really want to be doing. What I'd love to be doing. Waiting to take my French oral again so I can actually get my degree and move on to grad school or the Peace Corps or another job. I have been so lazy lately it's like I don't know myself and I think it's because I'm just not entirely happy. Everyday there are so many things I mean to sit down and make myself do and I never do them. Literally, my bills are late, my room is a disaster- including a desk that it has taken me over a month to put together, my paperwork for my job is late, I haven't studied French in weeks. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have no motivation to do anything and yet I'm so stressed out by not doing it. It's like a catch 22. I feel almost overwhelmed by my passion to the point of being immobile. Does that even make sense? If it does it must sound pretty freaking stupid. I just wish I knew what was missing. I guess it'll be easier to get to the bottom of now that I'm actually looking to figure it out.
On a lighter note, I am quite enthusiastic to be working at Peace Action during such an enormous election year. I'm so happy to see George Bush leave office I can hardly stand it. It's amazing to think that he's been the President since I was 14 years old. Wow. I remember seeing him on Oprah then and wanting him to win the election because I thought he seemed nicer than the other guy. HA! How naive and stupid I was. I mean, I really didn't know anything about politics! Now I know that something positive has got to be in store for this country and for all the world when he is no longer in a position of power.
Barack Obama was on The Daily Show tonight and I am absolutely crazy about him. He's getting a lot of slack for not clearly stating his position, and I hate to buy into the guy that all the young people are buying into because then he just seems idealistic. But, I think we need an idealist to run the country for once. Someone who believes that you don't need to wish that things were some other way but believe that they can be so. I want to see someone who will finally make it so. Listening to Obama talk actually gives me butterflies. He's the kind of person that would get so many Americans involved in politics and the very fact that he is an African American shows such enormous progress for our nation that it's simply blissful. Tomorrow is the New Hampshire primary and I cannot wait to see the results. Obama has been strongly in the lead in today's polls and I'm betting that his appearance on the show tonight helped.
Anyway, I'm all over the place right now. It might very well be that I have not so much as chewed a piece of gum in five days. I am going to read and sleep and see if I feel more normal tomorrow.
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2 comments:
Elsie,
I know what it is like to be far away from everyone you love, feel like you are enjoying yourself and yet still not being sure what exactly it is that you are doing there in the first place. This afternoon as I was getting into the shower, I thought to myself, what if I bought a ticket home and left tomorrow? What would the consequences be? Would it make me happier? At first, it would be great to see people and reenter my comfort zone, but in the long run, I would just regret my decision. It was a fleeting thought that lasted about 2 minutes, but it signaled to me that something is missing in my life and I can't fathom what that could be. I have also had opportunities that others would kill for. I have seen a lot of places and had crazy experiences, but that doesn't really mean all that much if you I am not happy. It seems that if there is one thing you have going for you that I certainly don’t it is that you know without a shadow of a doubt what it is that you want to do with your life. You want to help people. I sometimes think I know what I want from life but in reality, I am not much further a long in making up my mind about where I want my life to go than when I graduated from high school. The bottom line is that you have to believe in yourself. You have to wake up everyday and do all the boring crap like putting your desk together or paying your bills so that you can move on to the next thing. Life my friend, is an adventure. I think the fact that we lose touch of that is the reason for our unhappiness. Hope this rant offers you some hope. You aren’t alone.
Dan
Elsie, I agree with Dan 100%. I couldn't have written in better myself.
Meekie
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