20 somethings

I pretty much despise girly magazines that have practically the same material in them every single edition. There are always the same stick thin women on the covers in virtually the same poses with their only distinguishing feature being a different colored top. Every month they offer the same topics- "How to have the best sex of your life", "lose belly fat in 10 days flat", get organized by tomorrow", "how to know when he wants to dump you", "how to fake an orgasm" and so on like that. Somehow these journalists have the DL on just about everything imaginable AND it comes fresh every month. Who knew the best sex of your life could keep on getting better? Exhibit A- Cosmo.

Yesterday at work, however, I found an article amidst this sleaze-filled crap that really hit home. In fact, I might even go as far as to say it was the most satisfying and relieving thing I've read since being back in the States. The article was entitled "Life in Your 20s" and it basically hit on (and made normal) every fear I can come up with about growing up and about refusing to.

Point number 1: "I have no idea what my calling is"- Ok, so actually, this isn't a real problem for me. When I first got to Senegal I went through a major period of doubting that I had chosen the right field to enter. African Studies isn't very flexible to begin with and I just spent almost four years of my life working towards that degree. A degree that can get you probably to about exactly no where except just where I want to be. Thus, the scary part was not being sure about wanting to be there. After some adjusting to Senegal the answer turned out to be yes, more than anything. Now though the question is, how do I follow through and end up to that exactly where I want to be place? How many secretarial jobs will I have to take, or errand boy positions, with waiting or bar tending on the side, before I can reach that point of being secure? And why, after four years of college and all these experiences is that so hard to get to?

Which leads to another scary point: "I've never been in a long-term relationship"- The example given, "Zoe, 26, has tons of experience under the covers, but her longest romance lasted just three months." Average life expectancy for my relationships: almost exactly 3 months. When I was in Senegal I felt certain that I wanted to marry Alex, no matter how crazy that may seem to most people in the US. I was sure that I was absolutely in love with him. Now, after less than a month in the States I've broken things off with him in an effort to understand how I feel. I don't think I want to marry Alex. The very thought of marriage scares the living hell out of me. Picking just one person that you're going to spend the rest of your entire life with. That's kinda crazy anyway. Yet, the alternatives are even more terrifying, like being alone, for instance. Why, at the age of 21 am I combating the fear of ending up that way? Most of my girlfriends aren't in serious relationships or relationships at all. That's changing a lot all the sudden but many of them still aren't. Pretty much all of the men I know would consider the thought of settling down right now ridiculous and I think I almost agree with them. Yet, here I am, worrying that soon it's going to be painful as hell still being alone and hard as hell to find someone. But, I don't have any idea if that's really true. And, after what happened with Alex, how am I really supposed to know who to settle down with? I could find that with a little time in another country I can forget my feelings for just about anyone. Love is so elusive. At the same time I'm so angry with myself for not absolutely loving the one person who loves me that way. A person I know would make an amazing husband and the perfect dad and a phenomenal person to pass a lifetime with, but who just doesn't give me the butterflies I still crave. Maybe the butterflies are only in the challenge and that means that settling down ends all of that. Maybe the point where I'm ready to sacrifice the butterflies is the point in which I've really grown up.

Point 3: "How long will I be emotionally dependent on my parents?"- Well, I wouldn't really say that I'm emotionally dependent on them, that would've made being in Africa pretty hard. I am however incredibly financially dependent on them. I pay for hardly anything myself and yet I'm struggling to pay off a $700 credit card bill. I feel like I work and work and before I know it everything is gone. I'm so incredibly grateful for not having to fall into great depths of debt because my family would never let that happen, but I am tired of being dependent. I want to be able to buy them dinner at a nice restaurant for once- all of them. My brother's 25 and he's never done that.

Related to that is point 4: "Paying the bills keeps me in a constant state of panic"- The worst part is imagining that you're doing so well then somehow managing to only scrape by when you had anticipated a surplus. This week for me was as if everything was against me meeting my goals. I got a parking ticket, my books cost a fortune, and I incredibly impulsively ordered something off ebay that wasn't even what I had intended to buy. I feel like I'm back at square one. Now I'm thinking about finishing school in March and wondering what other job I will be able to take on to attempt to finally get ahead with these bills. Those loans worth almost 30 grand are certainly going to come up quick.

Finally, point 5, and I think the overall point: "Am I ever going to have the life of a real adult?"- Honestly, it seems as though our generation has really managed to suspend that life for quite a long time. Am I going to be having kids all through my 30s? The quote in the magazine is, "My parents got married, bought a house, and had two kids by the time they were 30. They even had real furniture, like couches. My boyfriend and I live in a rental, don't feel ready to tie the knot, and all we can afford is a futon." Well I say at least this girl's got a boyfriend; she's off to a better start than I am. But like her, I wonder how and when I'll ever be able to afford a car that I don't have to constantly worry about breaking down in, or a real house with something other than Guinness posters on the living room walls in a grungy apartment that I have to share with friends, and of course, a couch (that didn't come from the thrift store). Is it always going to be one loan right after the other right until I die, only ever owning the things my dead relatives have left to me?

Growing up scares the shit out of me. I don't feel ready to be an adult, but I don't want to be a child anymore either. The fears of being alone, being poor, or being unsuccessful are so real. There's so much pressure from society it's amazing. Apparently nowadays all these things I'm feeling are known as the quarter-life crisis. Well, whatever you want to call it, I hope it's over soon.